A Very Comical Piece: Summarizing LOTR
by dragonwriter512
Summary: My attempt at summarizing all four books of The Lord of The Rings. A friendly four-part parody that will either become famous or fail miserably. It'll keep you laughing the whole way through.
1. The Comedy About a Ring

**Hi. Guess who's been up past one writing this piece. My first comedy thingy. All four books summarized (including The Hobbit), this is FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING. Enjoy. R&R.**

Bilbo: I'm leaving Frodo. Here's a gift. See you in Rivendell.

Frodo: Ok, bye. Gandalf, what kind of ring is this?

Gandalf: *gasp* Frodo, that is the Ring. You need to take it to Rivendell. The council can decide what should be done.

Frodo: Oh, goodie, I'll get to see Bilbo.

Bilbo: I can still hear you, you dimwit. I'm not that old.

Sam: Can I come?

Merry: And me?

Pippin: Me too?

Gandalf: Uh, yes, why not.

_Rivendell_

Gandalf: Glad you're awake Frodo.

Sam: Frodo!

Sam: FRODO! :)

Merry: Frodo!...

Pippin: Mmm these Elvish donuts are good- ow, Merry, oh hi Frodo.

Bilbo: Frodo *cough*cough*. Life without the ring is different.

Strider: (hums)

_The Council_

Elrond: The Ring must be destroyed. Who wants to go to Mordor with Frodo?

Sam: Duh!

Merry: Um yes, yes we'll go (Pippin come on)

Pippin: Oh, yeah we stick with Frodo.

Bilbo: No thanks.

Gandalf: "I'm not that old."

Bilbo: hmph

Strider: Yes, of course, just let me say good bye to Arwen first.

Legolas: I've got thousands of millennia before me. What's a year traveling?

Gimli: Why an elf, of all the...

Legolas: What did you say, dwarf? My elf senses are tingling.

Gimli: Never mind that, elf, but I'll come.

Boromir: Hmm, how to get that Ring... oh, don't forget me.

Legolas: My senses tingled again *raises eyebrow at Boromir*

Elrond: Excellent. You nine are the Fellowship of the Ring.

Fellowship: Yay!

...

Frodo: GANDALF!

...

Galadriel: I'm TOO powerful for the Ring. You are WEAK and not so dangerous as I.

...

Sam: I love you Frodo, you're my best friend, I'm not leaving you.

...

Aragorn: Where did all the Hobbits go?


	2. Snickers Bars and Stalkers

**How'd the last one go? Here's part two- The Two Towers Summary!!!!**

**A/N: The grammar and misspellings with the orcs is intentional.**

Legolas: They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!

Gimli: Oh really, elf. Are your "elf senses tingling" again?

Legolas: As a matter of fact, they are. And I know that _in fact_ the orcs are taking Merry and Pippin to Isengard.

Aragorn: So where are Frodo and Sam?

Legolas: Hmm, I think they're headed to Mordor, and they're being followed.

Aragorn: Well, I guess we've come to the point of our quest when the Fellowship must split up- Frodo and Sam carry the ring, we get the other hobbits.

Legolas: And defeat Saruman... oh, look, horses!

Aragorn: Those are the Riders of Rohan.

Gimli: I hate horses, every last one of them.

Legolas: You just say that because you're short and fat-

Gimli: Broad, Barbie, I'm broad.

Legolas: Hey who you calling Barbie? What is a Barbie anyway?

Aragorn: (hums the Barbie song)

Legolas: Aragorn, I can hear that. What is it? Tell me, Isildur's heir, before I shoot you with an arrow.

Gimli: Well, now our elf friend is getting at Aragorn.

_Orc Camp_

The Hobbits: AAHHHH!

Random orc 1: Oy, stop yer yellin'!

Random orc 2: Shut yer mouths or Saruman'll have to cut out your throats.

Random orc 3: Oy, hey lookie o'er here. Them trees are moving.

Random orc 2: No, it's just the wind- no your right, theys are moving trees.

Random orc 1: Oy, look, it's the Riders of Rohan!

Random orc 3: Get 'em!

Merry: Now's our chance, Pippin. Go.

Pippin: Alright, I'm crawling- oh look, there's a very large pony coming right towards-

Merry: That's a horse, Pip, and it's coming right towards us to- Move!

_Fangorn Forest_

Pippin: Merry, I'm tired.

Merry: Duh, so am I.

Pippin: Hey, am I just hallucinating, or is that tree breathing?

Merry: Trees don't breather Pippin- but that one is!

Fangorn: What is this, two short men? Dwarves? Children?

Merry: Hobbits... were hobbits... from the Shire.

Pippin: And what are you, a tree with a beard that talks?

Fangorn: My little... hobbit friend, my beard does _not _talk, but Treebeard is a fine name. As for what I am, I am an Ent.

Merry: Hmm, sounds like 'ant', but we're the ants compared to you.

Pippin: Merry, just be quiet.

_Later in the Forest_

Aragorn: Who's that?

Legolas: A figure in white.

Gimli: Saruman?

Legolas: No, the face is that of Gandalf the Grey.

Gandalf: Nay, it is the face of Gandalf the White.

Aragorn: (smiles)

Gimli: (chuckles)

Legolas: (grins)

Aragorn: Where are the hobbits Merry and Pippin?

Gandalf: They are with Fangorn, or Treebeard, the oldest living Ent of Fangorn Forest. So, shall we go to Edoras?

_Edoras_

Gandalf: Be gone, Wormtongue. Awaken, Theoden, King of Rohan.

Theoden: What happened?

Gandalf: Grima Wormtongue works for Saruman. He seduced you and kept you out of the affairs of Rohan.

Theoden: Well, let's go kick Saruman's butt and burn some orc hides.

Eowyn: Oh, uncle, king, I'm so glad your well again... oh, hello Aragorn (winks).

Gandalf: (shakes head)

Gimli: (snickers)

Legolas: Did you just snicker? I like Snickers Bars. What are Snickers Bars anyway? Do they make you snicker like that?

_Battle of Helm's Deep_

Theodred: (raises sword) For Narnia... uh, I mean for Rohan.. and Frodo and the Ring!

Hmm, let's see what Frodo and Sam have been up to...

Frodo: Sam, what's wrong?

Sam: I think someone's been following us.

Frodo: Who?

Sam: (shrugs) Just a feeling- no, look, a little creepy thing!

Frodo: That's Gollum! (to Sam)He's the one Bilbo took the Ring from.

Sam: Oh. Away, you nasty creep.

Gollum: Oh please, let me come with you. I can help you get to Mordor. Oh, yes, I know the way, Smeagol knows the way.

Sam: Don't trust him Frodo.

Frodo: No, Sam, he can take us there. Come on, uh, Gollum.

Sam: (to himself) Ugh, Frodo, he can be so soft and stupid at-

Frodo: " I can still hear you, you dimwit. I'm not that old." (laughs) Oh Sam, don't ask me about that one.

Sam: Why would I? I heard Bilbo say it too.

Frodo: Really, where were you?

Sam: In the flower bed.

Frodo: Wait... are you some kind of stalker?

Sam: No! I always cut your flowers.

Frodo: Oh, ok. So, Gollum... uh, Gollum? Where'd he go?

Sam: Probably went to tell the Ringwraiths, or even Sauron himself, where we are.

Frodo: Oh just shut it, Sam!


	3. Mushroom Flavored Donuts

**Whoa, it's been, like, one and a half months since I last updated. Sorry to keep you waiting. Well, here's the third part at last! The ultra-long summary of The Return of The King!!!**

**Oh, and did you know that you can make these little page-breaker thingys bigger?**

* * *

_Isengard_

_---_

Pippin: "Oy, look, it's-"

Merry: "Oy, stop yer yellin'!"

Pippin: Hey, I was just going to say that it's Aragorn and Legolas and Gimli and... Gandalf!

Merry: (stands up) Hey, over here. Treebeard told us to keep watch.

Pippin: Yep, and we raided the guard's house, so if you want anything...

Gimli: Food? Drink? You've been living like kings while we've been swinging swords and axes and drawing bows and...

Legolas: Dwarf, did you just say "drawing bows"?

Gimli: Uh, never mind. Now hobbits, make some room up there on the wall for me.

* * *

_Rivendell _

_---_

Arwen: Father, why can't I become mortal when the war is over? Why can't I marry Aragorn?

Elrond: You are a foolish child, you have no idea the weight of your choice.

Arwen: Father, I am over 2,000 years old, I'm not a child. I know what I'm choosing.

Elrond: Alright... but you still have to wait until he actually becomes king.

Arwen: Don't worry, he will.

* * *

_Minas Tirith_

_---_

Denethor: What?! My son Boromir is dead?

Pippin: Well... yeah I guess so- I mean, he was defending us and I saw him with a bunch of arrows sticking out of him and he was pulling them out and orcs took me and Merry and I don't really know if he actually immediately died or if he just fainted 'cause I saw him fall down and... yeah-

Gandalf: Yes, he's dead.

Denethor: NO!!!!!!!!!!!! Now my only heir is Faramir! NO, MY BOROMIR!!!!!!!!!!

Pippin: Uh... well, real sorry 'bout that. Would you like me to sing a song?

Denethor: (glares)

Gandalf: Peregrin, now is not the time.

* * *

_On some road in Rohan..._

_---_

Aragorn: Hey look, it's my Ranger buddies from up north- and Elladan and Elrohir!

Random Ranger 1: Aragorn, buddy! Dude, we missed you.

Random Ranger 2: So, what's up? Elrond said you were fighting a war down here.

Aragorn: Yeah, we are. King Theoden's going to round up the Rohirrim and head to Gondor- I'm going to The Paths of The Dead and enlist some undead oathbreakers. After that, while Frodo and Sam destroy the Ring, we'll be kicking orc butt.

Random Ranger 2: Whoa, that sounds dangerous.

Random Ranger 1: No, that sounds fun!

* * *

_Edoras_

_---_

Eowyn: Aragorn, why must you go?

Aragorn: I have to go, Eowyn, you can't beg to keep us here any longer.

Eowyn: But it will be dangerous... you might get hurt, or even killed! Oh, please don't go, please don't do it. Stay here and wait for my uncle- please, do it for me.

Aragorn: (sighes)Eowyn, look-I'm already taken. I'm in love with an elf who's willing to give up immortality for me, the 87-year-old Heir of Isildur.

Eowyn: Wait... you're eighty-seven years old? But you don't look a day over forty!

Aragorn: My dear, flattery won't change my mind.

* * *

_Minas Tirith (again)_

_---_

Denethor: Pippin, I'd like to hear a song now.

Pippin: Um, ok, but you might not really like my Shire songs.

Denethor: I don't care. One of my sons is dead, the other one is risking his life as I sit here and eat. I'm in a bad mood.

Pippin: Ok... is there anything you'd like me to sing about?

Denethor: No. I don't care if the lyrics suck, just as long as your voice doesn't.

Pippin: Ok, I think I know one. Here it goes:

_Home is behind  
The world ahead  
And there are many paths to tread  
Through shadow  
To the edge of night  
Until the stars are all alight  
Mist and shadow  
Cloud and shade  
All shall fade  
All shall fade _

Pippin: (glances at Denethor)

Denethor: What? I'm not crying. That was a very nice song. Thank you for singing it.

Random Messenger: Lord Denethor, your son Faramir has been slain.

Denethor: What?! NO, MY SONS!!!!!!!! Why is the world against me, what kind of shadow lies over Gondor that takes away a father's sons. NO!!!!!!!

Pippin: Uh... ok.

* * *

_The Paths of The Dead_

_---_

Gimli: Must we go inside?

Legolas: You're a dwarf- dwarves live underground, and you're afraid to go in a _cave_?

Gimli: It's not just a cave, it's a haunted cave. You know- ghosts.

Aragorn: C'mon Gimli, let's go meet the ghosts now... or would you rather be bait for some hungry dragons?

Gimli: Ok, I'll come!

* * *

_A few minutes later..._

_---_

Legolas: Gimli, stop shaking!

Gimli: I can't help it!

Aragorn: Guys, shush!

Random Ranger 1: Maybe this wasn't what was fun about Aragorn's plan.

Aragorn: I summon you, oathbreakers!

Ghost Guy 1: Who calls us?

Aragorn: I, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Heir of Isildur.

Ghost Guy 2: What do you want?

Aragorn: You have an oath to fulfill, to fight with me against Sauron.

Ghost Guy 1: Well finally! We've been waiting here for hundreds of years.

Ghost Guy 2: There's a reason we're called undead- not living, not dead, it's just boring!

* * *

_Minas Tirith_

_---_

Pippin: Gandalf, Gandalf! He's gone insane! Denethor is going to burn himself and Faramir- we've got to do something!

Gandalf: Ok, Pippin, here's what we're going to do. I'm going to ride Shadowfax and burst through the door, then you're going to be catapulted towards the pyre to push off Faramir.

Pippin: Ok... I guess that'll work.

Gandalf: (puts Pippin on his horse) We have no time to waste! (Shadowfax starts galloping)

(Doors burst open)

Pippin: Look, the fire's already been lit- no!

Denethor: What...?

Pippin: (flies through the air) HE'S...NOT...DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(Faramir and Pippin land on floor)

Pippin: Hey, I can hear his heartbeat! And he has a pulse!

Faramir: What the...

Denethor: (running towards the cliff, cloak on fire) NO!!!!!!!!!!! (falls Xl)

Pippin: Is he dead? Yes, he's dead!

Faramir: Dad...? NO!!!

* * *

So... what's been happening with Frodo and Sam all this time?

---

Frodo: Eek! A Giant Spider, it's going to bite me!

Sam: Frodo, use the light thingy Galadriel gave you!

Frodo: Aha, got it! Wait... no, it's glowing and the spider doesn't like it, but it keeps coming back... AHHH!!!

(Spider stings Frodo , wraps him in a cocoon)

Sam: Frodo? Oh, no! (picks up light thingy) Back, you foul spider, scram! Oh no, Frodo, you're dead!

Frodo: (makes-choking-sounds-that-Sam-can't-hear)

Sam: No, I've failed to protect him. Well, I guess I'll have to carry the Ring. Too bad there's no time to bury him.

Random Mordorian-orc 1: Hey look, it's a Halfling! In a cocoon!

Random Mordorian-orc 2: Yep, too bad that stupid fat one that just went walking off didn't realize his friend here was still alive.

Random Mordorian-orc 3: Ooh, look, it's a pretty light thingy that the stupid fat one dropped.

Random Mordorian-orc 1: Wait, don't touch it, it's elf magic stu-

Random Mordorian-orc 3: AHH, THE LIGHT, IT BURNS!!!

Random Mordorian-orc 2: Stupid fat orc... why'd I get put with these lumbering idiots?

* * *

_Tower of Cirith Ungol_

_---_

Frodo: Ugh.. where am I? Hey, where's my shirt... and the Ring?!!! No, if the orcs got it we're all doomed!

Sam: Hey, it's Mr. Frodo! You're not dead after all!

Frodo: Of course I wasn't dead Sam, but now they have the Ring and we're all doomed!

Sam: No, I have the Ring.

Frodo: YOU DO?! Oh Sam, I love you... and hate you at the same time. That's my Ring! I'm the Ring-bearer, not you!

Sam: Whoa, ok there, Mr. Frodo. Just wait while I get you untied and then you can have the Ring back.

* * *

Now, back to our friends out on the battle field...

---

Eowyn: Ahh!!!

Merry: Ahh!!!

Eowyn: Killing orcs is scarier than I thought!

Merry: Are you kidding, of course it's scary! It's downright terrifying, horrifying, petrifying, sickening, gruesome, ghastly, shocking, bloodcurdling, so many horrendous things that I've run out of words for it! It's awesome!

Eowyn: I get the point!

* * *

_Somewhere else on the Battlefield of Terror..._

_---_

Legolas: Hey Gimli, want to go ride an Oliphant?

Gimli: I'm... a little... busy...killing... orcs... right... now!

Legolas: Ok, have fun.

Gimli: Die... gruesome beasts!

Legolas: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten... twenty, twenty-one, twenty-two... thirty-seven, thirty-eight... done! Hey Gimli, I killed thirty-eight dudes and one giant beast! How 'bout you?

Gimli: Thirty-eight? I only got thirty-seven!

Legolas: Oh well, better luck next time.

Gimli: What next time? After this we'll either be dead, suffering at the hands of Sauron, or enjoying the freedom of Middle Earth.

* * *

_Another location on the Battlefield of Terror..._

_---_

Eowyn: No, Uncle Theoden! Oh no, he's dead!

Witch-King: Hahaha, he has failed! And now you shall die with him!

Eowyn: I don't think so!

Witch-King: Ha! No man can kill me!

Eowyn: Oh... well, do you mean man as in anybody, or man as in a guy?

Witch-King: Man as in male.

Eowyn: Well, then... (stabs Witch-King )... Aha!

Witch-Man: But... no _man_ can kill me!

Eowyn: Ah, but I'm no man! (takes off helmet)

Witch-King: Oh... NOOOO!!!!

* * *

_A little while later..._

_---_

Pippin: Merry? Is that you?

Merry: Pippin? Yes, it's me.

Pippin: Oh, Merry! I've missed you so much!

Merry: I know, so have I!

* * *

_At the gates of Mordor..._

_---_

Aragorn: Alright guys, we're here to distract The Eye and give Frodo and Sam a chance to get to Mount Doom to destroy the Ring. Everybody clear?

Everyone: Yep!

Aragorn: Good, now we wait here until...

(Orc army comes out)

Gimli: Well, wasn't expecting that many.

Merry: Pippin, how about we run out first?

Pippin: Uh... ok.

Merry and Pippin: AAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Gondor / Rohan Army: AAAAHHHHH!!!

Orc Army: AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!

Everybody: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Merry: Hey, look, the eagles are coming!

Pippin: The eagles are coming!

Gandalf: The...

Legolas: ...eagles...

Gimli: ...are...

Aragorn: ...coming!

Pippin: Hey, I wonder why we didn't ride the eagles to Mordor in the first place. That would have saved a lot of time, sweat, blood, and elvish donuts... hmm, I wonder if they've come out with any mushroom-flavored ones yet.

* * *

_Mount Doom_

_---_

Sam: Hurry, Frodo, throw in the Ring!

Frodo: No, Sam, I've changed my mind. The Ring is mine!

Gollum: No, it's mine!

Sam: Frodo, look out!

Frodo: Ow, Gollum, ow, that's my- AAHHH, YOU BIT OFF MY FINGER!

Gollum: Aha, yes it is mine, at last my Precious... (trips) AAAHHHHHH!!!

Sam: Well finally! Oh Frodo, let's get out of here!

* * *

_Ten minutes later..._

_---_

Sam: Frodo, let's talk about positive things while we wait to die.

Frodo: Uhh... ok. You start.

Sam: Well, I miss the Shire, first of all... and the dances, the food, the parties, Pippin's drinking songs, the summertime, Miss Rosie Cotton, the sweet spring grass, just about everything back home... oh, and the Fellowship and elves and Rivendell and... why, I even miss elvish donuts! No your turn, Frodo.

Frodo: Oh, Sam, just about everything you said... minus Rosie Cotton... but I miss Gandalf and...

Sam: Uh, Frodo...

Frodo: Don't interrupt, Sam. I miss Bilbo and Aragorn and pipeweed...

Sam: Frodo... there's something...

Frodo: ...and.. I don't know what else, Sam, but I'm just going to close my eyes and die right now before the lava can get me...

Sam: Don't give up, Frodo, there's still hope.

Frodo: What hope is there left?

Sam: Look, eagles, there are eagles coming... I can see them!

Frodo: Gandalf said something about eagles once... but he's gone, so now I must die...

Sam: Frodo, don't leave me! Don't give up!

Gandalf: (In the distance) Frodo!

* * *

_Minas Tirith_

_---_

Frodo: Whoa... where am I?

Gandalf: Minas Tirith.

Frodo: Huh, what? (gasps) Gandalf?!! Oh Gandalf, you're alive!

Gandalf: Of course I am, Frodo.

Frodo: But Gandalf, you died... the balrog...

Gandalf: Frodo, it's a long story. Let's go join your friends out in the throne room.

Frodo: Why? Why can't they all come in here?

Gandalf: But don't you want to try some Mushroom-flavored _Gondor_ donuts?

Frodo: Well, that's sort of Pippin's thing... but do they have sprinkles?

Gandalf: Would pink, horse- shaped sprinkles from Rohan work?

Frodo: Oh yes!

* * *

_Skipping ahead to the very end...at Grey Havens..._

_---_

Elrond: Frodo, Bilbo, it's time to go.

Frodo: Wait, we're leaving?

Galadriel: The Third Age is over, the Fourth Age, the age of Men, has begun.

Gandalf: The Rings of Power have lost their power, so to speak.

Bilbo: Well... ok. Bye, young hobbits. Sam, find someone to take care of Bag End for me.

Sam: Will do.

Frodo: Oh, how am I going to say goodbye?

Pippin: It's... going to... be.. ok, Frodo.

Merry: We had some great times together, but...

Sam: Frodo, I... oh, no, please don't leave...

(All three hobbits break down crying)

Frodo: Oh, you guys, I'm wet before I even get on the boat! I am going to miss you... all of you.

Gandalf: "I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are evil." **(It was such a nice quote that I couldn't help but put it in, straight from the book.)**

Frodo: I know you'll miss me, Sam, but the Shire was saved for you, not for me. **(Something else that showed up in the end of the book.)**

Sam: I...think I understand.

Frodo: Oh, and here... the Red Book, the book that Bilbo started. Keep it safe.

Sam: I will, Frodo, I will.

* * *

**You know you want to. You know that you are dying to push that box right below these words. There's even a little arrow pointing to it. Go ahead, it won't bite, I won't bite you if you don't. **

**l**

**l**

**l**

**l**

**\/**


	4. None Other Than a Halfling

**Here, at last, is the fourth final summary! I know it's really short, but I haven't read The Hobbit yet. I had to depend upon that old cartoon version for the plot. Well, it's a good thing there's a new movie coming out, or didn't you know that?**

* * *

_Bag End_

Gandalf: Bilbo!

Bilbo: Oh, yay, it's Gandalf. How are you, old friend?

Gandalf: Bilbo Baggins, I've got some dwarves looking for a thief.

Bilbo: A thief?... But I didn't steal anything of theirs, I think.

Gandalf: No, they are in need of your assistance.

--

_Rivendell_

Elrond: Thanks for stopping by Rivendell, have a good time now.

Bilbo: That's it? Well, thanks a lot for that little greeting and farewell. More like 'Go have fun dying.'

--

_Mountains_

Bilbo: Ahh, trolls! Oh, look, they're turning to stone! Yay, shiny swords and treasure.

--

_Cave_

Bilbo: Well, this sucks. Ooh, lookie here, a ring! Pretty, shiny...

Gollum: Preciousssss! Precioussss... you aren't precious, you're a hobbit.

Bilbo: Of course I'm a hobbit, what else would I be? An ent, an elf, a man, a dwarf?

--

_The Lonely Mountain_

Smog: Who goes there?

Bilbo: Oh... just a thief.

Smog: A thief?!

Bilbo: Oh, but not a bad one... just one who is sneaky and has a good or above average likelihood of taking things without permissionfrom the owner or guardian of misplaced or taken object, person, or miscellaneous item or items.

Smog: Uh... would you mind running that one by me again?


End file.
